So your child wants to read a banned book…
So, you’ve learned your child wants to read a banned book and, honestly, you don’t want them to. What do you do?
The easy answer is obvious. You open your mouth, shake your head and firmly say, “No.”
But what if that wasn’t how you responded? And no, I’m not advocating you let your child read whatever they want even if you don’t agree.
Let me start off by stating what may be obvious. I don’t agree with banning books. However, I do agree with doing what isn’t right for your child, and you know them better then almost anyone else. I don’t believe in banning books because, simply put, what’s right for one isn’t what’s right for everyone. And that’s ok. It’s our job as parents to do what’s right for our own children and, admittedly, that’s not always the quick and easy solution. So, back to the situation above, when your child wants to read a banned book (or any book) that you don’t think is appropriate for them, how do you respond?
The truth is, there’s no perfect answer. If we just say no, there’s no promise our kids are going to listen. They could just leave the house and read it. If we say, “Sure. Fine. Go read your book.” and it’s not appropriate for them, well then a number of negative consequences for you and, most importantly, your kiddo.
So what if you heard your kid out? What if you compromised?
There are other options besides a simple “Yes.” and “No.”
Step one:
Open a conversation. Ask questions and share your thoughts. Of course that will look different in every family. There is no script, however, there are some points that you might want to ensure you hit.
Why do you want to read the book?/what drew you to this book?
These are my concerns with you reading the book…
This book contains content that I’m not sure you’re ready for (ie. violence, cruelty, sex, hate)
This book discusses morals and beliefs that goes against what we believe in our house. (ie. LGBTQIA+ representation, promiscuity, religious views)
This book is for older, more mature readers
“I’m worried that this book will effect you in ways like…”
“Do you still want to read this book?”
For instance, when my middle child (now 16)asked to read The Hunger Games, I wasn’t excited about that idea. So we talked about it. The first part looked something like this.
Her: I kinda want to read The Hunger Games
Me: Ok… why?
Her: Because you’ve read it and you liked it. And people talk about it a lot.
Me: Ok. And you want to participate in those conversations? she nods* I get that. And I do like the series… well as much as you can like something like that. But there’s the thing…there’s a lot of needless violence and cruelty in these books. We’re talking deaths in bloody ways, abuse, and people letting people to starve to death knowingly when there are other options.
Her: Then why would they do that.
Me: They want control. They want to keep their power. They’re stupid, terrible people and don’t care how their actions hurt others, or worse, enjoy what their actions do to others.
Her: ooohhh…
Me: I know you’re sensitive and social justice is important to you. And I know it’s hard for you when people are very unjust, especially for selfish reasons. But if you still want to…
I’ll cover the rest of the conversation here later but Please feel free to add other points to this list of topics to cover.
Step 2:
Find a compromise that you’re comfortable with and that your child is comfortable with. This can look a few ways and there may be more compromises that I don’t have listed here. In fact, I’m sure there are. Feel free to share some of you family’s solutions in the comments.
Here are some of our probable compromises, including ones we’ve used in our house.
Watch the movie version together. Sometimes, including in cases like The Hunger Games, the movie cuts out some of the most upsetting and violent parts of the story or dances around it. The movie may have also altered other factors, including some of the things you, as a parent, are concerned about. This way, your kiddo can experience the story with you without having to face some of the hard parts.
Read the book together. I know, your child may no longer need you to read bedtime stories to them but that doesn’t mean you can’t curl up on the couch and read together. This way you can gloss over parts you’re concerned with (I’ve done that with some of the books my teen was required to read for school. I made sure she got the story and the gist of the difficult parts but it also gave us the opportunity to talk about the difficult parts and her the means of asking questions as we went. It went well for us.
Buddy read. You can both read the book at the same time and talk about it in chunks; maybe a chapter or two at a time. This way you can address the parts that concern you, check in with your kiddo to ensure the book isn’t negatively impacting your kid and you can ask questions. Both this option and the one above also opens the door for you to share what bothers you and how you feel about what’s happening, maybe even talk about what you’d do differently or your own life experiences that connect with what’s in the book.
Offer a time in which you think they will be ready to read it. Maybe in a year or two. Or, if your not comfortable with that, a time when you will reevaluate them reading the book. This way it’s not a “no” but it’s not a “yes'“, either. They know what to expect and, because you’ve already talked about what concerns you,you’re closer to being on the same page.
Find a similar book to offer instead. For example, if you don’t your child reading Harry Potter because you don’t agree with J.K Rowling’s actions and views, you may want to recommend the Kelcie Murphy series by Erika Lewis. Or, if like me, your kiddo wants to read the Hunger Games but you’re not sure they’re ready for something that full of hate, you may want to recommend All of Us Villains by Amanda Foody and C.L Herman. If their reason for wanting to read the book is a mood or a vibe, or even a story plot, finding something else that is similar may negate the the whole disagreement about the original book. You can find possible suggestions by googling a search such as “What should I read if I liked [enter title of book here] and browse the articles, ask a librarian or your bookish friends.
Listen to the audiobook together. You can often get abridged versions of books as well, which may leave out some of the concerning parts. It would also allow you both to experience the book without either of you having to do the reading. It would also allow you to listen while driving around, making dinner, ect.Plus, it would allow for any additional conversation.
When my daughter came to me asking about reading the Hunger Games, I offered her a few of these options above (watch the movie together, read together or buddy read) and asked her what she thought the best way to proceed would be. She said that she didn’t think she wanted to read it anymore because if it was like I said, she didn’t think she’d like it and it would upset her too much. I agreed that I thought that was the best option and that we could talk about it again if she changed her mind.
Over the years, with all three of my kids, we’ve come across times in which they wanted to experience something like a T.V show, movie or book that their father and I didn’t approve of. After telling our kids “no” to no avail, we started using these methods instead. We found that, in our house, it opened up the door to discussion, helped to create a safe space for our kids to talk to us about a number of things and they made choices more with reason than with the desire to rebel. Again, I’m not guaranteeing anything, but I truly believe that there are alternative ways to banning books that still allows us, as parents, to protect our children from reading what they are not ready for without simply saying “no”.
But that’s just what we do in our house. What other suggestions do you have? Let us know in the comments.
